Here you see one of the loneliest, boringest and most annoying people I have ever met.  He was at our local sushi place, eating sushi alone.  That boat there?  That boat is full of sushi. He stated he was eating sushi for two and patted his big belly.  In truth, he was eating sushi for four. Also, he was drinking multiple scorpion bowls.  By himself. He was a sad sort of fellow who kept talking enough so that you started off feeling bad for him, but ended up despising him.  I ended up despising him, anyway.  My wife found him delightful. It was my wife’s idea to take a picture of him.  Not mine.  He agreed to let us take a picture of him in exchange for us listening to a story.  I call this a lose/lose. His image has been altered slightly to hide his identity as he did not give me permission to put the picture anywhere on the internet.  Like I was only going to have the picture as a keepsake.  Just for me.  See if you can tell how it has been altered.  He said he didn’t want the picture on the internet because he didn’t want to be “that guy” and made the little air quotes.  He clearly understood what he was talking about, but I didn’t. Anway… as I had to suffer through the story for the privilege of taking his picture I might as well tell it to you.  It is one WHALE of a tale.  See?  Because of the ship and the… well not the sushi because a whale is a mammal.  Just because of the ship I guess. There’s a ship in the story, too.  A cruise ship… “Have you two ever been on a cruise?” he asked. We told him we had never been on a cruise and he said, “Ohh…” in a way which conveyed that we did not know what we were missing and that we had not yet truly lived. “I go on cruises.  I was on a cruise when I was a kid.  This was just after I had gone to school for culinary arts…” I think we were supposed to say something about how interesting it was that he had studied culinary arts, but we didn’t pick up on it and just stared at him instead. “Well.  This particular cruise, one night, had a midnight buffet.  The chefs and kitchen staff spent the whole day preparing for it.  It was a big deal.  When midnight came, everyone went to the banquet area and were blown away by the array of food.  There was a six foot ice sculpture of a dragon and all kinds of neat things.  I started taking pictures of the food because, as I had just completed culinary arts school…” We still didn’t say anything. “I wanted pictures of all the things they were doing in case I needed ideas for catering or what-have-you.  Like, they took the head of a salmon and the tale of a salmon and put smoked salmon between the two so it looked like a whole salmon.  I saw that and I was like, son of a bitch, why didn’t I think of that?  Then they had this pineapple which was the top and the bottom of a pineapple, but the middle of the pineapple was shrimp, so it still looked like a pineapple, but you could pull shrimp out of it.  I was like, son of a bitch, why didn’t I think of that?” We said…  I think we grunted or something at this point.  Where do you go, conversationally, from that point? “So.  I take all my pictures and I have all kinds of ideas.  I’m all excited.  Everyone eats, then the entertainment for the night comes on.  It was an x-rated stand up comedian.” Now, I’ve done some stand up.  And I’ve heard some people say some pretty harsh and vulgar things.  The most horrible language I ever heard someone use, would still only get the guy using it a maybe hard R rating.  I don’t know what a stand up would have to do to receive an X rating.  But he insisted.  X-rated. “The “comedian” (air quotes again) starts right away making jokes about the people who were taking pictures of the food.  He said everyone was in his way when he was in line.  I know where the entertainment eats.  They eat in stowage.  I’m a paying monkey so I know he’s not eating with me.  I mean, come on.  I know what’s going on.  So he’s making jokes about people taking pictures with the food, like, “Look Ma!  Here’s a picture of me with some potato salad.” What he doesn’t understand is that that’s actually pretty funny.  I didn’t bother telling him. “He kept going like that and I was getting pissed off.  He was like, “Here’s me with some roast beef!”  I got my camera ready because he was really making me angry.  I was like, if he does it again I’m going to take a picture of him!” YEAH!  That’ll show him! “So he says, “Here I am with a PICKLE!” and just as he says PICKLE, I snap a picture of him and the flash goes off and the whole audience goes NUTS!  Everyone is hooting and hollering and clapping and laughing!” No.  I don’t really think they were. “And THAT’s how I got the nickname PICKLE.  That and other reasons.” Here I feel it is important to note that my wife had had a bit to drink.  At that particular juncture it was actually a good thing, because she did not pick up on the fact that we were supposed to ask about the other reasons he is called Pickle.  I just acted like I hadn’t caught that last bit. There.  That’s the story. There was another one but I wasn’t really listening, because an old rerun of Monk was on the television over the bar and I just decided that was the most interesting thing in the universe.

Here you see one of the loneliest, boringest and most annoying people I have ever met.  He was at our local sushi place, eating sushi alone.  That boat there?  That boat is full of sushi.

He stated he was eating sushi for two and patted his big belly.  In truth, he was eating sushi for four.

Also, he was drinking multiple scorpion bowls.  By himself.

He was a sad sort of fellow who kept talking enough so that you started off feeling bad for him, but ended up despising him.  I ended up despising him, anyway.  My wife found him delightful.

It was my wife’s idea to take a picture of him.  Not mine.  He agreed to let us take a picture of him in exchange for us listening to a story.  I call this a lose/lose.

His image has been altered slightly to hide his identity as he did not give me permission to put the picture anywhere on the internet.  Like I was only going to have the picture as a keepsake.  Just for me.  See if you can tell how it has been altered.  He said he didn’t want the picture on the internet because he didn’t want to be “that guy” and made the little air quotes.  He clearly understood what he was talking about, but I didn’t.

Anway… as I had to suffer through the story for the privilege of taking his picture I might as well tell it to you.  It is one WHALE of a tale.  See?  Because of the ship and the… well not the sushi because a whale is a mammal.  Just because of the ship I guess.

There’s a ship in the story, too.  A cruise ship…

“Have you two ever been on a cruise?” he asked.

We told him we had never been on a cruise and he said, “Ohh…” in a way which conveyed that we did not know what we were missing and that we had not yet truly lived.

“I go on cruises.  I was on a cruise when I was a kid.  This was just after I had gone to school for culinary arts…”

I think we were supposed to say something about how interesting it was that he had studied culinary arts, but we didn’t pick up on it and just stared at him instead.

“Well.  This particular cruise, one night, had a midnight buffet.  The chefs and kitchen staff spent the whole day preparing for it.  It was a big deal.  When midnight came, everyone went to the banquet area and were blown away by the array of food.  There was a six foot ice sculpture of a dragon and all kinds of neat things.  I started taking pictures of the food because, as I had just completed culinary arts school…”

We still didn’t say anything.

“I wanted pictures of all the things they were doing in case I needed ideas for catering or what-have-you.  Like, they took the head of a salmon and the tale of a salmon and put smoked salmon between the two so it looked like a whole salmon.  I saw that and I was like, son of a bitch, why didn’t I think of that?  Then they had this pineapple which was the top and the bottom of a pineapple, but the middle of the pineapple was shrimp, so it still looked like a pineapple, but you could pull shrimp out of it.  I was like, son of a bitch, why didn’t I think of that?”

We said…  I think we grunted or something at this point.  Where do you go, conversationally, from that point?

“So.  I take all my pictures and I have all kinds of ideas.  I’m all excited.  Everyone eats, then the entertainment for the night comes on.  It was an x-rated stand up comedian.”

Now, I’ve done some stand up.  And I’ve heard some people say some pretty harsh and vulgar things.  The most horrible language I ever heard someone use, would still only get the guy using it a maybe hard R rating.  I don’t know what a stand up would have to do to receive an X rating.  But he insisted.  X-rated.

“The “comedian” (air quotes again) starts right away making jokes about the people who were taking pictures of the food.  He said everyone was in his way when he was in line.  I know where the entertainment eats.  They eat in stowage.  I’m a paying monkey so I know he’s not eating with me.  I mean, come on.  I know what’s going on.  So he’s making jokes about people taking pictures with the food, like, “Look Ma!  Here’s a picture of me with some potato salad.”

What he doesn’t understand is that that’s actually pretty funny.  I didn’t bother telling him.

“He kept going like that and I was getting pissed off.  He was like, “Here’s me with some roast beef!”  I got my camera ready because he was really making me angry.  I was like, if he does it again I’m going to take a picture of him!”

YEAH!  That’ll show him!

“So he says, “Here I am with a PICKLE!” and just as he says PICKLE, I snap a picture of him and the flash goes off and the whole audience goes NUTS!  Everyone is hooting and hollering and clapping and laughing!”

No.  I don’t really think they were.

“And THAT’s how I got the nickname PICKLE.  That and other reasons.”

Here I feel it is important to note that my wife had had a bit to drink.  At that particular juncture it was actually a good thing, because she did not pick up on the fact that we were supposed to ask about the other reasons he is called Pickle.  I just acted like I hadn’t caught that last bit.

There.  That’s the story.

There was another one but I wasn’t really listening, because an old rerun of Monk was on the television over the bar and I just decided that was the most interesting thing in the universe.

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