Go to yeoldeufostore.com

We went there yesterday, except we went to the actual place, not the virtual place.  It’s a store in Sedona, AZ.  Sedona is an awfully nice place to be, by the way.  The town center sort of area is a fairly tight conglomeration of stores and restaurants.  There’s a cowboy feel, but there’s also an artistic feel.  Interesting combination.

It’s the kind of a place where you could pick up a small bag of raspberry syrup covered popcorn for 10 dollars.  I did, too.  Also for 10 dollars, we purchased the child a jawbreaker the size of a softball.  She was curious what might be at the center of a jawbreaker of such unusual size.  I told her it was a chicken head.  I don’t think she believed me.

I wanted to go into Ye Olde UFO Store.  Because, why wouldn’t you want to go into Ye Olde UFO Store?

The woman who ran the place was a funny duck.  She was wearing black yoga pants, 16 inch heels with sparkles, a low-cut electric-blue blouse of indiscriminate fabric and a Blues Brothers hat.  She was 11 feet tall.

She started talking and never really stopped.  I should have been recording.  There’s no way I’m going to be able to capture everything she said, here, in conversation form.  I’ll try bullet pointing.

• Sedona is the sight of more UFO sightings than anywhere else in the world.  UFOs can be seen in the area every night.  EVERY night.
• There are also a large number of vortexes and portals.
• There is a significant difference between a vortex and a portal.
• Here is the difference between a vortex and a portal…  Oh, I don’t have time.
• She had ,until recently, been taking groups of people out into the desert at night with night vision goggles to see the UFOs.  I wondered why one would require night vision goggles to see UFOs, but never got the chance to ask.
• The government has stopped her from taking people out to see UFOs with her night vision goggles.  Apparently, she was about to stumble onto a government secret.
• Because of the government, she can no longer bring people out on UFO tours, but, for 50 bucks, you can buy 2 t-shirts and rent her night vision goggles for the evening.  You just need to have them back by sunrise.
• Her night vision goggles cost 3500 dollars.
• Her night vision goggles were strapped onto the heads of the people I was there with.  She challenged them to see what they could see through the night vision goggles, even though it was daytime and the lights were on.  I asked her about using night vision goggles during the day and she said it would be okay because there was a pinhole lens cover on.  I said, “Oh.”
• She decided I was in the military based on my knowledge of night vision goggles.
• She gave us a deal on t-shirts.  She said she was just in the process of screen printing a bunch of new ones so she wanted to move the old ones.  She was not telling the truth.  There was a screen printing set up in the building next door to her store and there was a t-shirt on it.  But it was nothing that had been touched in a long time.  Also, you could find her selection of t-shirts in Spencer’s.
• We decided to purchase some of her shirts, but her credit card machine didn’t work.  Obviously because of the weird energy that was all around Sedona.  She always had issues with her credit card machine.  The weird energy.  You know.
• We were trying to leave, but she told us there were reptiles and snakes and stuff in the store next door, which was really the store that we were in only through a doorway.  This was the same door we came in, but somehow, it was another store.
• This other store was where she went to use the credit card machine so we could purchase her t-shirts.  I have a receipt from Sedona Off-Road Center, even though I never went there.

Whew.  We were in the store for about 10 minutes.  I was really tired after.